losing it

Mountains & Mole-Hills

I have to apologize: life is pretty good.

Which is odd, I know, but I suspect that tragedy makes for much more interesting reading, I certainly feel more passionate when I’m ranting. Although I suppose that doesn’t make the reading any more enjoyable.

So yeah, life is good. I’m getting stuff done:

photo

It doesn’t look like much, but just 24 hours ago, the only way anyone was getting at the mini-muffin tin was by triggering a (semi-)controlled avalanche of assorted cookware – a frightening prospect from that height, let me tell you.

And the BEST PART? After watching me with my drill and hack-saw, the girls pulled out their tools and spent the next 45 minutes “fixing” my step-ladder. Meena assured me that they were “real builders”, and proceeded to deliver both over-time and over-budget. It was great.

And I’m relaxing, too. Me time, instead of being spent staring blankly at a computer screen (or a wall), has been spent playing the guitar. I’ve got some nice proto-callouses happening (this is a good thing), and can now play a somewhat passable “Good Riddance (I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life)”.

Note: this is only because it turns out it’s REALLY EASY. But man is it cool hearing it coming from your own guitar.

And I know I have mentioned this already, but this whole 2000-calories-a-day thing ROCKS. Holy smokes. I’m, like, never hungry. Actually, that’s not true: I get hungry, and then I EAT. And at the end of the day, I’m NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE. My dinners have become minuscule and not because I’m exercising self control (you can’t exercise a muscle you don’t have), I just don’t need much. And we can bake cookies and banana bread, and I don’t devour it because I just don’t need to. And did I mention the Swiss Chalet fudge cake that’s been in the fridge since FRIDAY? Any time I notice it, I’m just not hungry. Since when did THAT matter???

So things are great, right? Yeah, totally. But here comes the whine: I wanted to get off the Cipralex, but now I don’t want to rock the boat. Things are ok – why mess with it? But can I only ever be happy if I’m medicated? Because I’m never really happy on meds, I just kinda amble along, without any real lows or highs. They also can get in the way of therapy, because the stuff you need to talk about doesn’t seem worth talking about anymore.

And that brings us back to the whole “getting passionate” thing. Sure, I’m trundling along, but I don’t feel capable of getting passionate about anything. And that’s just not like me.

I just can’t decide if I want to be me or not.

4 Comments

  1. I want to start off by saying that I am loving that things are good and that you are happy. And it’s funny, but I feel I write better when I’m annoyed with something too, there’s only so many ways to make things interesting when life is good. BUT – I’d way rather see you happy then annoyed or mad at something – I can find that entertainment elsewhere 🙂

    I know my mom struggled with the same thing. She was on anti-depressants and she jsut felt like she couldn’t feel. She couldn’t cry or laugh. She was just going along with things, feeling monotone the whole time – no highs or lows. But, that’s what she needed (and still needs) – she needed to get rid of those lows and it was worth it to not feel those highs. Sometimes though, she wished she could cry.

    I have no answers (obviously) just wanted to comment.

    1. Thanks Christie – your comments mean much more than any “answers” possibly could :). And thanks for sharing about your mom, that has certainly given me something to think about, too.

  2. There’s a quote I have on my wall – “There are years that ask questions, and years that answer…” I agree, but I also believe there are years for resting and recovering, for being fallow, for gaining the momentum for getting through those other kinds of years. Maybe you’re resting now, emotionally. Maybe the drugs can help you catch your breath. For all the people who say get out of your comfort zone, I have to say that having a comfort zone can be comfy sometimes. Sometimes you need to be comfy.

    1. Thanks Julie. You’ve expressed perfectly one side of the internal argument I’m having with myself right now. A break is good. We all need one. I’m being reminded of this this week as I take a week off with NO PLANS to accomplish ANYTHING. And I’m doing a good job so far, I’ve spent the entire morning on the couch with a laptop in my lap and a cat curled up against my leg :).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *